You guys apparently I suck at keeping up on this. I’ve been putting in a lot of overtime at work. For various reasons. And as I have stated before I am a workaholic. Not really something I am proud of, but it is what it is. So, I had Siri read me my last blog entry and not to brag, but I’m funny. Its even funnier when Siri reads the entries to me. Ha! In all seriousness though, I have done terrible at keeping up on this. Although, I have had some encouragement along the way and reminders that I need to do this blog. I want to thank you all for supporting me and giving me encouragement, because some of these entries are not easy. I’ve had a lot go on and happen in the past couple months or so that I will talk about. Still on the topic of mental health. But probably all over the place, I think we can all say you’re used to that by now.

Well, I finally cracked and got on an anti-anxiety med. At first I thought, “well I’ll sleep better at night.” Umm, yes, but that shit last throughout the day. Makes a lag to my brain, if you will. I don’t need anymore of those. It cuts off my thought process. I don’t need anymore of that. You guys, I could be mid sentence and forget what I am saying. Who does that? This girl. Anyway, it’s gotten better but my nervous anxious ticks have gotten worse. If you know me my nervous tick is chewing/biting at my lip or picking at the skin on my lip. And it doesn’t even have to be dry skin, I’ll just pick at it. Then next thing you know, that shit is bleeding and I’m still chewing on it and picking at it. If you have recommendations to stop doing that please let me know, I have a stress ball. But I still chew at it. Can’t beat it! But on a more positive note, I do feel like it has helped me and my anxious thoughts. I can be on the verge of thinking about something that would normally give me anxiety, and then it just fizzles out. AND it makes me have a longer fuse. Wow. That’s witchcraft. Because those who know me know that I kind of have a short fuse and a temper problem. Or more so an attitude problem? Anyway call it what you wanna call it. So, here I am a medicated basket case.

So I’ve had an eventful 3-4 weeks. Some things I can mention and others I cannot. I “graduated” from therapy. It’s kind of a big deal. In all honesty, I feel like this time around in therapy I have grown the most. I don’t know if it’s because I’m more aware of the things that I need to do. Or if it’s just simply because I’m trying my damn hardest. Relationships are not easy and they take a lot of trust, forgiveness, commitment, and hard work. All things that I really wasn’t doing before. So here I am trying and doing things I should’ve did along time ago in my relationship. Not only in my relationship with Jamar, but also in my relationship with my family, and my friends. A lot of these things I came to the realization of by myself. But some of them were pushed on me by my therapist, when I say pushed their things that I probably wouldn’t have done on my own if it wasn’t for my therapist giving me a time frame of my assignments. Needless to say, I left that session pretty upset because there were times that I didn’t feel like I was ready to have those conversations. But looking back I needed to do that and I wouldn’t have held myself accountable to do those things. Because I didn’t know the outcome or what it would be. And as I stated in my last entry I don’t love conflict.

So one of my assignments in therapy was that I needed to meet with my biological mother. Apparently I’ve been harboring feelings towards her for the past 30 years of my life. Which is supposedly “normal”. Probably the first time I’ve been called normal. Ever. Anyway, she’s probably reading this, which is okay. But going into this conversation I had told myself, “I already know what she’s gonna say.” And “I already know that it’s going to make me feel a certain way and I can just leave it and I won’t have to deal with her at all.” Harsh words but they’re coming at ya. Our conversation was good I actually let her talk more than I thought I would. I was going in with a negative mindset. But the whole purpose of having this conversation with her was to let those feelings out. Regardless of how she would’ve responded or what she would’ve said at least I would have been able to get those feelings off my chest. And potentially move on with my life and my relationships. I still don’t really know where our relationship will go from here. Do I see us having a relationship in the future? I’m going to say it’s more leaning towards a no, but I don’t know what my future holds in that aspect. The good Lord may have different intentions for me.

And the other 2 of my other assignments were that I needed to have a conversation with my mom and Jamar. Which I won’t speak on. Maybe touch on them a little bit in my future entries. That’s just a little bit of what I’ve been doing the past 3-4 weeks. Over the past two or three months I have really been struggling with insecurity, low self-esteem, and needing validation. I’m not boasting by any means, but I know that quite a few of you have mentioned to me that I have no reason to have a low self-esteem. Damn, I wish I could just listen to people, but it’s so much harder than it sounds. If I could boost my self-esteem 50% it for every time someone complimented me, I wouldn’t have this problem. I feel like self-esteem goes way deeper than just the present moment. If you’re not built up as you grow up, I feel like you have to build that on your own. I’ve done a lot of work in the past two years on myself and my self-esteem to get me to where I am. But I still struggle. A low self-esteem leads to insecurities in every relationship. Of course insecurities are brought on by other things too, but I am talking mostly about my self-confidence. It sucks because people give me compliments but sometimes they aren’t always easy to except. And I did grow up in a family to where we didn’t really give each other compliments. We made fun of each other as comedy. When all the while it’s actually tearing away at your self confidence. Now I can except being made fun of in our family for inside jokes, but once it hits my character, the character that I have tried to build and change, it hits a little different. It’s offensive.

I am working on self-love and self care to build that self-esteem and self-confidence (let’s think of another self term, shall we?) and when I have those things I won’t need as much validation and I won’t have as many insecurities. But I am a firm believer that if you have those issues, then the person that you are in a relationship with needs to help you build those things too! You can only do so much on your own. I saw this meme and it said “an over thinker must date a good communicator.” I have never read more accuracy. I need all the communication! My over thinking ass. But at the same time, a lot of that is a battle between myself (YOU vs. YOU). Anxiety should never be deflected it on to somebody else, especially the one you are in a relationship with. Which I have learned. And I think I have a pretty good grasp on it. Because I have divided my over thinking from my anxiety (I believe they are different). It was actually pretty hard but I can think more rationally now. It’s still hard though, don’t get me wrong. I worry so much about whether I am good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, personable enough, laid-back enough, fun enough.. you name it those are things that I have questioned. What it all boils down to is that you are who you are and to someone you may not be all of those things but you know what, it doesn’t matter, they’ll love you or they won’t. For who you are. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it is you aren’t going to be perfect for everyone. The way you look, the way you talk, the way you dress, the way you act, your responses… nothing will be perfect. No one is perfect. So it’s best to just be the best version of yourself and the rest will fall into place. You can’t control other people. It’s some thing I’m working on every day. I struggle with it all the time. It’s YOU vs. YOU.

Relationships are so hard. You have to complete each other. You have to help each other. Well like I said in a previous entry, being with someone with a mental health issue would be so incredibly hard. I can’t imagine being with me. It would drive me crazy. But at the same time I have more good qualities than I do bad. And that’s some thing I have to remind myself of every day. The world is a tough place. People are shady. That’s why strong relationships are a necessity in this world. I believe social media is a burden on people and honestly, I think relationships as well. Constantly comparing yourself to other women or even men comparing themselves to other men. And then of course there’s always the possibility of women or men reaching out to your significant other.. and sadly, vice versa. People are ballzy you guys. There is so much about women building confidence to approach men. Gag. Like don’t. Good for you if you think you’re confident enough to do that, but stay away from mine. Take your confident ass somewhere else. And then at the same time if the other is allowing that interaction, then that’s a different story. That’s another area that communication is good. Because overthinker or a person with anxiety can easily be scarred with such an incident. Communication is key. And honesty. Not to be rude but a lot of us aren’t shit compared to the half naked girls on social media, just sayin. And we're not about to compete with them. ✌🏽 I’d just sit my mediocre looking ass on the sideline and watch, or not watch. Okay, I’m over that. My point in this is that relationships suck sometimes. They get hard, but we have to help each other. Because there is temptation everywhere. Building the strength you need in a relationship to keep it strong is important.

In a nutshell, I guess I just want to touch on how big of an impact things can have in your life. Whether that is closing or starting new relationships with people you thought you’d never have to talk to. Or whether it’s weathering storms as a couple, learning to trust each other, and build each other up. Things will never be easy. Always have to work to better yourself and to better what you have. Self-love, self-care, self-confidence, and self.. something else (can’t name them all) are all an important part of growth as a person. Build yourself. I’m currently struggling with a few things in both aspects of my life. But I don’t give up. I pray, I push through, and I don’t stop until I feel as though I’m finished. Be you. Work to better yourself. Pray hard. Listen to God. And everything will be OK. Thanks, my dudes. ✌🏽