Here's to the first topic of discussion my peeps! Mental Health. Shhh, don't say it too loud people will be alarmed. Some people don't understand Mental Health, that’s just what it is. They don't want to talk about it. And a lot of people get awkward even hearing about it. Let's make people uncomfortable, shall we?!

As I stated in my previous blog, UNDER CONSTRUCTION, Repairing the Damage, I talked about the wonderful pyramid. Relating to my upbringing and the way I function and think now. I wanna reflect a little on my year and how it affected my mental health. During this entry, please, don’t feel sorry for me. I shouldn’t have to say that in every entry, but I feel like I have to for now. I am not and do not feel sorry for myself. I am the one who put myself through these things. Let’s remember that. So, if you don’t think I’m a total nutcase by now, you might after this. My year has been a rough one. Full of losses, gains, hardships, self-sabotage, crying, laughing, and loving. An emotional roller coaster, if you will. I will talk more about my overall mental health in the next entry, but this has just been the past year. I almost thought I was bipolar, but it ends up just being the series of events prior to this year. Close call! Ha!

Finalizing my divorce, was the beginning of my ride on the emotional roller coaster. If you have ever been through a divorce, you can relate. At first it’s all good, fine, and dandy (depending on the circumstances), it’s almost like you forget your going through it. For me anyways. Yeah, yeah, yeah, think what you want. I didn’t care. I was done and out of the same house, so to me it didn’t matter. I had moved on and was bettering myself and becoming a completely different woman. But I tell you guys what, when that thick packet of divorce papers came in a Manila envelope, it was so hard. Like it was real. All the feelings I swept away, boomerang back and hit me like a gust of wind, full of emotions. That was just looking at the envelope. When I looked over those papers, I went numb (can’t imagine what my ex-husband felt like). Frozen in time. No, I didn’t regret my decision, it was just surreal. Mostly because I never thought I’d be signing divorce papers. Side note, they sent me like 5 different copies OF THE SAME PAPERS all on different days even weeks, like really? What do you do with all those? Do I frame one, file one, burn one, and hell I don’t even have any other ideas. Come on, man! 1 copy is enough. Anyway, we will get more into that on the topic of marriage/relationships. I did cry. I did feel guilt. I felt overwhelming emotions. I felt anxiety. I felt like an asshole.

I was in a relationship during that time and I had expressed my feelings about the paper signing to my boyfriend. I told him just what I said. “I don’t regret it, it’s just real and I thought I was done with everything.” He was so understanding you guys, no, not because he was happy that I finally signed them, or that he wouldn’t have to hear about it and it was done. He was truly and genuinely supportive and understanding of my feelings during that time because that’s who he is. He is an anchor and isn’t shaken. Most guys would be like (please read in a masculine voice) “Why are you even upset?” “Finally. You’re done with it now.” He is not like any other guy. I’m sure you’re thinking, Oh sure, all girls say that. Consider be one of those girls then! But he is not even close to the average guy. Have we had bumps in the road? FOR SURE! Because I have such tangled wires in my brain, that I couldn’t get my shit together when we first started seeing each other. Obviously, I was working on myself, during this time, and still am. I was still fixing the things that caused my marriage to end. He has been so patient with me. Don’t get me wrong, he isn’t perfect either, we both have things we work on daily. But think you guys, imagine starting to see someone you really like who got out of a marriage of 5 years and they had been with that person for 13 years. My bad habits carried over. The “right” thing to do is get your shit together before you get into another relationship. Well, I didn’t do that. Because crap happens. I wasn’t planning on meeting this guy, nor did I plan on falling in love with him. So he got all my baggage, self-sabotaging, lying, bad habits, and imperfections right when we decided we wanted to be with each other for real. Right when we started seeing each other he got all of those things from me. NOT ANY SOONER! Because in the beginning of a relationship, how easy it is to be someone you aren’t? How easy is it to hide your past? How easy is it to not tell the whole story? So easy. I mean I was 100% myself, but I was lying about things I had done. So he patiently waited for me to develop into the woman I needed to be, and still it, all the while I was still acting like a fool. But he still ended up loving me. I was lying about my past for no reason. I was so extremely happy I didn’t want to screw anything up by being honest. Is that selfish or overthinking? Not gonna go into any more details about that right now, but just know my bad habits caught up with me and we still to this day are STILL dealing with them.

I am a master over thinker. I am also very good at assuming things, such as what people will say or what they will think. I’m not bragging by any means. Both of those things have to do with anxiety. I would say that that is my worst wire. If I could cut it, I would. Or flip just that breaker, I would. But we are working on it together. The grass isn’t greener you guys. It’s green where you water it. I have been knowing this! And now I have to do my part and water our grass. In my marriage, I had it easy. I had a man who wanted to give me anything and everything possible. He just wanted me to be happy. So naturally, most woman, confess it or not, know that when you have a man like that what do you do? Walk all over them. I don’t care who you are! You do it. Subconsciously or not. And if you don’t think you do, cool, you’re better than I am. I’ll give you an example. Your friends wanna go out, don’t know where to go or what you all are gonna do, but you’re gonna go out. I got to the point of where I would just get ready and not ask him if I could go. Some most girls think that you shouldn’t have to ask. Well, you don’t. But I do/did. It was a sign of respect to make sure that your MAIN PERON, your FIRST PRIORITY, doesn’t have anything planned with you first. But like I said I got to the point of where I just did what I wanted and didn’t ask, just did. I’ll be home and whatever time I get home, don’t know where we going, see ya when I get home. Self-sabotaging everything! Thus leading me to become unhappy because I always wanted more than what I had. How would that make me unhappy you may ask? Because I was/am selfish. I was accepting love and respect, but not giving it in return, and it wasn't an issue for me not to give it in return. I was unhappy not only because I was selfish, but because I wasn't happy with myself.

Now, I'm still dealing with all those selfish behaviors and wants in my relationship now. I don’t want the same relationship as my marriage was. I want something that is equal. Equal love, respect, loyalty, and work. Not that my marriage was bad FOR ME, but it wasn’t equal. I will explain that at a later date as well, when we talk about marriage/relationships. I struggle every day. But the only thing that has kept me above water this far is God, church, praying, work, and this guy in my life. I need to find a name for him. Something cute.  Ha! Soon to be determined. Anyway, there has been so many times I found myself on my knees overwhelmed with anxiety and feeling helpless because I felt like I couldn’t make my boyfriend happy. Even myself for that matter. SO MANY THINGS TO CHANGE! SO MANY THINGS TO IMPROVE ONE! All this time its been me. I was the reason I felt this way. No one else was making me feel that way. I wasn’t happy, in love, or at peace with myself. So it took daily dedication alone with God and myself to get me to start changing into this woman I am becoming.

What I wanna say is that my year started low, has kind of flat-lined throughout the year, and inclined the past few months. My moods and emotions have been all over the place. My anxiety got so bad to where I would vomit. To this day I still struggle with that. So many changes. Wires to disconnect and breakers to be flipped. All these changes, but God has still been good to me. Given me this patient man, who clearly wants to be with me. For God only knows all the reasons. He wants me for me and wants to help me become the best version of myself I can be. Motivating me to become her daily. All the while, dealing with my past and present issues along my side. Not to mention dealing with my mental health. I can't imagine dealing with someone with mental health issues, but I know I have a damn strong man to help me through it. Even if it isn't easy. It will get easier. I'm still broken. So with that being said, I need a bigger hose to water my grass you guys, because at the beginning of my relationship, I was a terrible person. Damaging the one who was trying to help me fix myself. When I said he is an anchor and isn’t shaken, I mean that! I have been the storm and wind, testing his ability to be an anchor. To this day, I’m still making tiny progress on calming my storm. Daily. I'm not perfect but I am trying. Watering the grass I have. Getting through my daily struggles in life. Anxiety and self-sabotage being my number one issues at this current moment. Here is to learning from my wrong doings and trying to help those who are stuck in the same boat. Love and get right with yourself and God first and then decide what is best for you. 2021 probably still won't be the greatest, but who cares. We make it what we want it to be. I’ll continue with mental health in my next entry as well. Thanks my dudes, for real!